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Guest Post – Disaster Cuisine – Honey Glazed Disaster Nuts

February 17, 2014
22

Disclaimer – Today I bring you a very unusual guest post from a friend with a very unique cooking style. This recipe was written by my friend Max, the sole inventor of recipes such as “greasy sausages cooked in an inch of oil before being cut into rings and pushed into plain pasta” (the name needs a bit of work) and some of the most carbonized pizzas I have seen in my life. This man makes bad cooking into an art and somehow manages to still eat the results. Here we go:

Original recipe – http://tinyurl.com/honey-roasted-walnuts

* * *

21

So I arrive at the supermarket, seven minutes to go until closing time. What am I doing there? Beats me. Just a vague yet urgent feeling that I should buy… something. Something gloriously unhealthy to pig out on as I settle down that evening to watch ‘Ghost’ with Patrick Swayze on DVD and get nothing of importance done.

‘Ah. But!’ croons a voice in my mind. ‘Why buy something unhealthy when you can MAKE something unhealthy? It’ll be easy. Brilliant. And it’ll make your consumer experience all the more fulfilling.’
‘But what should I make?’ I ask the voice. Hopefully not out loud.

Five minutes left. Four. Three. Two.

By now I am gripped – haunted, one might say – by the urge to make my own snack. I am a competent person! I tell myself. I don’t need to rely on pre-packaged Dairy Milk products or Walkers crisps! I have useful, practical skills! ‘Buy something!’ says the voice. ‘Buy, buy, buy!’
The world goes blurry.

Four minutes later I find myself sitting in my car, blinking in the sunlight as though waking up from a fever dream, walnuts and honey sitting in the back seat and having spent over double the amount I meant to. The feeling that I’ve somehow been robbed hangs heavy in the air.
As I drive home, I start hoping that Ghost will be a complete trash-fest. The feeling of being robbed fades away.

* * *

7

ALRIGHT LET’S DO THIS. Y’ALL NEED:

  • Half a John Lewis blue mug of honey
  •  A quarter of the same mug of weird brown sugar
  • 4 birds eye chillies.* No more, no less.
  • Half a teaspoon of Marks and Sparks cayenne pepper (Tom said afterwards this is actually a kind of chilli or whatever so I feel the name is a bit deceptive)
  • Half a teaspoon of ground allspark allspice by Sainsbury’s**
  • Half a teaspoon of special mystery spice selected at random from your spice rack/cupboard (in my case I happened to grab some paprika, so paprika it was)***
  • A wing and a prayer that you don’t burn your mug of walnut halves by Sainsbury’s
    *I didn’t have the cinnamon stick the original recipe asked for but I figure that birds eye chillies are basically the same thing. Disappointingly not made by Bird’s Eye.
    **Not in the original recipe but spice makes everything better (probably).
    ***The key to good cooking is the element of surprise (probably). The original recipe was a bit lacking in this so I thoughtfully included it in my own.

- ANTI-METHOD -

1. Measure out the honey in your mug. Ditto with the sugar.
2. Yo, it’s mixing time! Chuck it all into a small black saucepan – honey, fake pepper, allspice, and chillies (NOT THE MYSTERY SPICE ‘COS THAT COMES LATERS). The original recipe said to mix it just once, but I wasn’t sure if that meant one turn around the pan or until it was all blended together. So I kept on going until it was a horrible brown mess. Make sure to do the same.
3. The original recipe said to put on a medium heat for 3 minutes. I don’t know what counts as a medium heat so I made a guess. It didn’t burn, so I guess I guessed right.
4. Add yo walnuts. Simmer for 7 minutes. Don’t do what I did and get so caught up with taking pictures of the walnuts that you forget to keep an eye on how long they’ve been simmering for.
5. HORRAY MYSTERY SPICE TIME. As the mixture simmers, close your eyes, cross your fingers, and select a bottle from the spice rack. No peeking. No second tries. Chuck half a teaspoon in regardless of how questionable it is. YUMMERS.
6. Drain using a coarse sieve and get rid of the chillies. I don’t know what the difference between a regular sieve and a coarse sieve is, so I used a wire one. Good ol’ Wirey. Never lets me down. Worked a treat.
7. Right, so I hope you’ve remembered to pre-heat the oven ‘cos the original recipe says that you’ve gotta put the walnuts on a wire rack and place the rack on a 19 x 29cm slice pan then stick it in the oven. I don’t have a wire rack and I don’t know what a slice pan is, so I improvised and used the thingni that I cook burgers on. WORKED A TREAT.
8. You’re supposed to cook them for 8 minutes at 180’, but stuff that. 210’ is what I cooks my meals at and so 210’ it what it was for the walnuts.
9. Don’t do what I did and start watching ‘H20: Just Add Water’ on Netflix and then accidentally burn your walnuts. Once they’re out of the oven, leave ‘em to cool for a little bit.
10. EAT YO WALNUTS. AWW YEEEEEAAH.
11. Turns out that dunking the dirty dishes in cold water makes the honey mixture go rock hard and difficult to clean so don’t do that. Learn from my suffering.

- VERDICT -

2014-02-17 00.09.36

So like, better than I thought they would be I suppose? Honestly, they started off pretty darn good. Then they got cold and I was left with a bowl of walnuty pain. Those last four! Oh man. Oh man. No more happiness. Only chilli scented walnut tears.

I would advise against eating them at 2am lest you get a splitting headache and crawl into bed paranoid that you might slip into a sugar coma during the night. Luckily I didn’t, but it was a legit worry.

Didn’t watch Ghost in the end. Head hurt too much.
Damn.

2/10 Must try harder

From → Disasters

4 Comments
  1. John Perry permalink

    Max sent me here! There are some good looking recipes on this blog… maybe I’ll try something besides the three dishes I know how to cook.

    Shame you didn’t get to watch Ghost; I still want to hear about it.

  2. Admiral Biscuit permalink

    Max sent me over here. I’m thinking of trying my own disaster nuts now . . .

  3. Noddy permalink

    Hello,

    I am a researcher for BBC television and would like to feature this recipe on Masterchef. We would propose that instead of yourself cooking this treat, we would get a celebrity to cook it live on a sports relief special! Currently we have the Chuckle Brothers and Judi Dench confirmed.

    Are you GAME???!?!?!??!

    Yours sincerely,

    Noddy Holder

  4. Karach permalink

    Apparently Max is 10 times the writer as he is the cook. :D

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